Grief

 Grief: deep sorrow especially caused by someone’s death.

This is the definition of grief. However, it fails to mention the grief caused by estrangement. Of losing hope that the mother or parent you needed would ever show up. 

I grieved the loss of hope in 2017. My mother died in 2019, and I grieved her loss all over again. 

When she died, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was over. No more chances, no more wishful thinking that she would magically change and be the mother I needed. It was a huge loss. 

I somehow became executor of her estate since she didn’t have a proper will, and her modest estate would have to go through probate. 

Going through her stuff was beyond comprehension because not only had I not spoken to her or seen her in years, but I was physically in her space near her belongings - and she wasn’t. It was incredibly sad. 

As I tried to find some sort of will, I came across a hand written “will” she made when she was undoubtedly upset with me: my brother would get 55% of her estate and I would get 45%. She later amended it to be 50/50. But it just showed me I made the right decision on cutting off the crazy 2 years earlier. 

I still think of her daily. I still mourn the loss of the mother I needed, and the grief of not having a mother hits me all over again. A child’s longing never ends. 

Mom, I miss you and love you.