Learning to be a mother

As some may say, motherhood should come naturally to women. While yes, to some extent nature has equipped us with maternal instincts such as protect your child, feed them, love them - but the nuances of motherhood don’t come quite as easily. Especially if you were not modeled the behavior that helps raise confident, emotionally regulated, healthy children by mature, healthy adults.

When my daughter was born I was shocked. It opened up all of the wounds of my emotionally absent mother. I developed postpartum anxiety and depression, and amidst my confusion I decided to go to therapy and learned the way I grew up wasn’t “normal”. Almost 5 years into motherhood, I learned that my mother was toxic. That one day she wouldn’t be “normal”, or the mother I needed.

Everything I learned or was modeled was based on my toxic family. This generational trauma of mother and child relationships had been passed down for generations. I knew from my reaction to motherhood, and to years of abusive and toxic behavior from my mother - enough was enough. 

I decided it was time to end the toxic relationship to save the relationship with my own children. I had to save myself to save my children. I wouldn’t allow the toxic generational trauma to continue any longer, not under my watch. 

I began pouring myself into therapy, researching, listening to podcasts. Anything and everything I could do to stop this cycle. I had to learn that I wouldn’t be perfect though, and that I would still make mistakes. I will do anything to raise healthy, well adjusted children. This begins with me being healthy and well adjusted, and although I didn’t have a great start - I will do whatever I can do provide this to my children. I owe this to them.